It’s a winter wonderland. Ice covers the trees from head to toe. Rain falls. Water freezes encasing the branches in a thick, shimmering block of ice . A crunching sound fills the air. I look, trying to locate the source of the sound. A tree once solid and strong lays split on the ground. Another crunch and another tree falls to the ground. I stand in awe trying to embrace the beauty of the crystal forest in contrast to the slow, nearly silent destruction of the mighty trees surrounding my home.
Much of the Midwest this week experienced the effects of this winter storm. As I worked to clean up fallen trees and gathered branches I wondered why some of these trees fell while others remained strong. One tree fell from the roots, not having a strong foundation. Another tree had long lanky branches and seemed to have overextended its reach. These overextended branches cracked underneath the heavy weight of ice. Still other trees were hollow inside and had no strength to support themselves against the storm.
It's an interesting analogy to growing children. Whether you are a parent, teacher or coach, part of your role is to help children grow into adults. One of the goals is to raise them to be strong and resilient so that they can successfully weather the storms they most certainly will face in life. In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, many students have remained strong. They may have lost a few “branches” but they are continuing to grow and thrive. Other students, who may have had weak foundations or were already hollow from previous trauma have not fared so well. Many of these students have fallen or are broken. Some students are simply overextended and cracking under the pressure.
While fallen trees cannot be repaired, fortunately, humans are remarkably resilient. I don’t want to over simplify this because early childhood trauma is serious and can cause major effects throughout one’s lifetime. It often affects personality, relationships, education, later job productivity and even health. There are no easy fixes. However, there are many strategies which can be employed to help regulate the stress response including: mindfulness, time in nature, exercise and building healthy relationships. The parents, teachers and coaches who directly work with these students can begin to nourish these healthy relationships with a very simple strategy: WORDS.
Words matter. Unfortunately, sometimes we continue to rain down a barrage of words on our children or students that only add to their frozen encasing.
“You’re so messy. Why can’t you just keep your room clean?”
“You never help with anything. I’m sick of doing everything for you”
“You’re never going to get into college if you can’t get your grades up.”
“You’re not a team player.”
I’m sure you’ve heard statements like this. Maybe thought them or even said them out loud. At times, even adults are on the verge of cracking under the ice too. Sometimes we don’t have the energy or the know how to choose better words. One of the best things we can do for our growing students is to pay attention to words. We need to pay attention to the words we say to ourselves and to the growing children in our care. We need to turnaround words like, “I’ll never get this,” to “I haven’t figured it out, yet.” We need to shift statements like, “We can’t do this,” to “How might we...”. We can even use our words to shift perspective. Instead of “I don’t have time to work out,” we can say “I’ve got 10 minutes, I can take a quick walk.” Even simple statements such as “don’t do anything stupid,” can be shifted to encourage positive behavior using a shift in words like, “make smart choices.”
While changing our words is a simple strategy, it’s not always easy. Most of us have internal dialogues that have been programmed over many years. Sometimes negative tracks laid down intentionally or unintentionally, by parents, teachers or coaches continue to play in our minds. Overwriting these takes practice and persistence. But you can do it. If you have a tough situation or something that’s not working, start by cleaning up the words around it. Work to dispose of words that create tension, draw away positive energy or push negative responses. Use words that empower, strengthen, and nourish whatever it is you hope to grow, whether it’s yourself, an idea or even a child. As you do the ice melts and when the wind blows you will be able to shake it off your branches and continue to grow and thrive.
For more information about Toxic Stress and strategies to help support the stress response, check out this short video Healing from Toxic Stress with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. https://youtu.be/845tgPoIB_g